how to not get a job in Melbourne
How to NOT get a job in Melbourne!
First of all you rely on a job offer from a school, move into a new apartment and get excited about your new well paid teaching job. When that unexpectedly falls through, you mail your cv to all the schools you can google, then visit them personally wearing your most convincing smile and ask to speak to the director. When the receptionist promises to pass on your cv you thank her profusely and exit smiling. Leave it a few days and visit the schools to enquire as to whether the director has seen your resume. When snotty receptionist asks if you have heard from the director, you excitedly say you didn’t and before asking when they might have contacted you, you try not to punch her in the face as she tells you “well then, there are no teaching posts”. Thanks. When you actually get to speak to a director they are charming and warm and praise your valued experience, go through to motions of asking you “what would you do if…..?”scenarios and “how would you teach….?” Scenarios before telling you politely that if you want a career in teaching you should really think about improving your “quals” ( I HATE that word) You mean spend 3 years at university to get a degree just so I can do the job I am already very good at in another country? Yes. The alternative? A $3000 teaching course that would take me four months which of course my visa would allow me to do, so it is “feasible, if teaching is what you really want to do.” Sorry, but get stuffed.
What you then do is waste your time applying to jobs using your cv in its wonderful British format that’s worked for you for years, or better still whop out your teaching cv that has a photo on it and lists your useless teaching experience. When you have learned the hard way that the darn things have to be written in a certain way, you spend hours tweaking and rewriting them, tailoring them to specific job markets and try and churn them out again. After realising also that honesty is not the best policy and the reason why you didn’t get the job in the shop with the pretty clothes is because you stupidly told them you had no retail experience but had plenty of customer service experience and were a fast learner, you rewrite your cv again. This time adding that all important “forgotten” job you had when you worked in that clothing boutique for like ever as a Saturday girl and then of course you went full time in the holidays and whenever you were available because you were so dedicated and of course you have a referee, your sister-in-law, who was conveniently a convincing shop manageress, how could you have possibly forgotten to put that on your cv….?
What you then need to do is hit the streets with a smile plastered on your face with all four of your cvs, separated of course, you don’t want to give your teaching one to a bar do you? You say, “ no, I haven’t got my RSA yet ( Responsible Service of Alcohol, needed to work in a bar) but I will have by the time you call me. FOOL – LIE! You ALREADY have it, they don’t need to know you’ll attend the course the morning you start working for them… You enquire politely if they are still looking for the position advertised in the window, or if they aren’t advertising you hope to god they want someone. What hours do you want? Well, what are you offering? Can you work weekends? Hell no, I want to SEE Australia, not from behind a pub door! But Yes! You say, I can work nights/Sundays/seven days a week/ as many hours as you can give me so I can pay my rent on time… You cannot relax, even when the interviews start coming in.
You get excited about promises of earning LOADS of TAX FREE cash, AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO EARN. No experience necessary! Wowzer, too good to be true? Absolutely! You need to waste plenty of time going to interviews that you are invited to via generic email, or better still TEXT MESSAGE, how personal! You trot along to Information Sessions, Meet and Greet Sessions, Let’s See How Much We Can Suck You In Sessions, which are all unpaid, but you go along because of those great big dollar sign promises. You meet POSITIVE people that tell you they arrived in Melbourne with no money but their bus fare and one clean pair of pants and now they are “living the dream”, earning more money than they ever imagined and never want to go home. You get offers of Sponsorship thrown at you before you have even started working for these “wonder” companies and you get excited as you start to calculate how much you’ll make in “just a week!” You also start to become very jaded and can’t even be arsed to go to some call back interviews, refusing to waste your time going to a second interview to find out stuff they couldn’t be bothered to tell you first time round. When you ask your Team Leader how much you can expect to make in your first week and she answers “As much as you want to make, you make your own goals, you’ll earn as much as you are willing to work for” well that’s a good calculable sum, thank you. You shake fake hands that tell you how “well” you did in a f**king information session!! Who DOESN’T do well in those, unless they fall asleep??!
You may get offered a waitressing job. Something you can do with your eyes closed. You play dumb, so the manager can teach you his way of doing things and show you things slowly so you don’t get information overload, because GOODNESS, remembering table numbers and where cutlery goes can be a lot to take on board! When the only job you have doesn’t give you the hours they promised you go off in search of more only to find that you “cannot be rostered” this week because of those 3 lunches you couldn’t work. Marvellous.
Then you get to a really great time in your life when you start desperately searching the net for those awful telesales jobs that you wouldn’t have second glanced four weeks ago because now you realise that that is the best you are gonna get.